No. I will not shut up about this.

     My best friend’s girlfriend found a journal I gave to him a year ago when they went on a vacation. It was for him to write in it and tell me about his experiences in England and a little for me tob e able to come to England, too. After all I love that country. So I gave it to him. We were very close at the time, even closer than now and used to talk daily about everything. Their and my vacation and a few other days meant that we would not see each other for four weeks. I wanted to give him something to tell me what happened in his vacation, and not a general „well it was nice“. And there were three little pictures in it, because I knew he would like it and I wanted to come to England. As I thought, no big deal.

    So, apparently she found it and all hell broke loose. She feels lied to, even asked him if weh ad anything physical going on or kissed and stuff like that. She feels lied to about how intimate our relationship is. And he was incredibly terrified that she would break up with him.

     But I am quite pissed off as well. When we (she and me) struggled a while ago, I asked him not to visit me without telling her, because he did a few times and I did not want tob e a secret, but allowed to be his friend. Our friendship is VERY special. We are kind of soulmates. I tell people, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends what he means to me. They know he is extremely important to me and that I love him. And I do not see how this is wrong. I do not. I love my female best friends, why can’t I love him? So, what I get from her reaction ist he impression, that he never told her that I was special and important to him. And that hurt me.

     Now, he’s acting strange. He won’t  really react to my „I miss you, meet with me?“ and says he needs to talk to me, but won’t set a date. I am scared he says we can’t be close anymore and not spend as much time (as if we did….seriously, the past two month were jokes at best when it comes to how often we saw each other).  I do need him, because noone ever understood me the way he did. And I am not scared to say this. This does not mean I don’t love my boyfriend or don’t want to be with him. And HE knows that. But apparently my best friend’s girlfriend cannot take not tob e the very only fucking person who is important in his life. I held back on my opinion on her, because he asked me to, but fucking shit…that chick is fucked up. She struggled in life, yeah. But PEOPLE HAVE TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER eventually.

      I remember when they got together…how „oh this relationship will be so open and positive and great“ and all I see now is mistrust, jealousy, stress and powerstruggles.

But I am very aware oft he fact that I do not have the slightest say in any relationship but my own. Still, in my opinion, she is not good for him and most certainly not for herself.

I am sorry I hurt her. Though it was mainly his fault, in my opinion.

But I will not apologise for who I am. Because I am good. I am loving to people I care about. FUCKING SUE ME! This is a positive life I’m trying to lead and I will not some bitch let get in the way.

And I do not deserve to lose my best friend, because they are too proud or insecure or whatever to get their shit together. No.  

This probably does not belong out here, but here it is. I cannot deal with this on my own.

Sorry for typos and things like that...

Basically I don't really have words for what's up right now.
I worked every morning for my internship for the past days, I worked the whole weekend, too and I am ill, better than yesterday, but still not well.
I'm terrified of the fact that I'll move out of my flat next week.
And I'm dealing with some shit I've dealt with quite a while ago. But this time I'm in great fear of losing my best friend in it.
This is shit.

Waiting for Frank (Shitty phone camera )

Frank Turner was ace, as always. Gorgeous and touching. Definetly cried. Yep. And danced and screamed my ass off :) Supporting acts were adorable...

All in all a very nice show, I was not disappointed and holy cow I missed gigs. Need to plan more of those.

Got back to my flat an hour ago and realised that I was not craving shitty-sugary food, but cucumber salad. It is incredible how much better I automatically treat myself when I'm more balanced in my mind...

Also, standing in my kitchen making coffee, I realised that I REALLY really really do look forward for my time in Leipzig and coming back to Kiel afterwards. I'm done with this life right now. I'm longing for being responsible for my own life again. Not owing anything to anyone. And work. With results....not only for me, but for others, too. This life did not break me...but it most certainly tired me very much. And it marred my passion. A trait I liked very much about myself in the past and miss terribly. Not that it's completely gone...but it's very seldom moments. I am very excited for Leipzig. Though I will miss many people terribly. It will be good for me. 

The last few days in pictures

Maus an der Tankstelle getroffen <3

Bin am Kinderschminken nicht vorbeigekommen :)

Frühstück beim Tag der offenen Tür eines Kindergartens
in dem eine gute Freundin arbeitet

Der Kommentar meiner Tante zu den Dingen mit denen ich
mich rumärgern musste

Warten auf's abgeholt werden

Die AIDA auf dem Nord-Ostseekanal beim Cacheevent :)

Ich musste mich wieder mit Menschen rumärgern und hab dabei die Nerven verloren. Irgendwann is' einfach mal gut. Bin hier nicht der Arsch vom Dienst.

Heute Abend Frank <3

If we saw and honoured the child in everyone, all of us would be so much better.

Because we're all children inside, thrown into a fucked up world.

Things are difficult, but I accept them and it's easier. Still, it's not easy. 

I still struggle with some people...especially with those getting agitated with me, though I did nothing wrong, at least not intentionally. What really pisses me off is, that recently especially one certain person gets angry with me, because I did this person favours that I, apparently, did not do just the way they wanted them done. Seriously? Do your shit yourself then. I'm done. I haven't heard ONE thankful word on all my work during our move. I'm done with this shit. 

Anyway, it was this morning when I thought how much more friendly, caring and loving this world would be, if everyone accepted that every person they meet is a child inside, even if it's deep deep down and suppressed. Things would be better. 

I'm more satisfied with myself lately, though there's still tons of stuff I'd have to get done and that I don't really do. I'd need vacation. I know, I just went on one, but I can't help it. 

Also, I really do miss my friends that don't live in this town.

Today I will have three girls over who want to look at my room...hopefully I'll be able to rent it out in time for Leipzig. And here I am, thinking: If moving helped me with myself, how much will Leipzig change me? We'll see :)

No exciting pictures either, I don't like my phone's camera and I don't own another camera (yet).

Oh...also I apparently had some very strange kind of asthma attack the other night. You didn't know I had asthma? Neither did I. No...in fact it's not sure if I really have asthma, I saw the doctor yesterday, because the attack happened the night before and I had such severe pains that I almost went to the emergency room. He said it's probably the interaction of several factors that caused the attack...I apparently have a minor infection (nothing bad, just tired and a sore throat) and the immense stress in the last weeks plus the extreme exposure to dust (which I am allergic to) and other things...anyway, I feel a lot better today and carry a inhalor with me now in case I have another attack. Things will be okay I think.

So long. 

Who'd have thought that after all something as simple as rock'n roll would save us all?

Tagesziel der BA: Mehr als erreicht
Laune: müde aber stabil/albern
Erkenntnis: Bier macht mich sofort Musik schreibenmachenhörenleben wollen
Außerdem will ich Kürbis, hab aber fast kein Geld mehr und muss ja den paar Umzugshelfern die dann doch tatsächlich Zeit haben auch irgendwas zu Essen anbieten :D
Und ich vermiss nach wie vor meine Mädels.
Bald Frank <3 Freu mich so.
Lust tätowiert zu werden.
Und Wohnungsabnahme gehabt heute. Montag Schlüsselübergabe.
Aber Prokrastination hat mich tausenddrölfzig Bilder auf meinem PC ansehen lassen.
Könnte ne Ausstellung starten mit "1001 Selbstportraits der Janali".
Interessanter ist mein Leben eben grade nicht. ;)

It's not going to stay like this.

Ist auch so ziemlich das Motto meines Lebens grade. Aber ich merke, dass dieses "ach f****en, ich hab eh nichts zu verlieren" auch gute Dinge mit mir tut. Nachdem ich ne wahnsinnige, Tage dauernde Diskussion mit dem Mann hatte und alles kurz vor der Kippe stand haben wir uns wieder zusammengerauft und ich freu mich sehr ihn bald wieder zu sehen. Die Tage bei meinen Eltern haben kaum etwas gebracht, ich hab wahnsinnig schlecht geschlafen, dann der Stress mit dem Mann, erstmal wieder ins BA Thema einfinden und jetzt musste ich schon wieder nach Kiel, weil zu viel zu tun ist. Für's umschreiben des Telefones muss ich persönlich vorständig werden, Stadtwerke...alles Dinge für die meine Anwesenheit zwingend notwendig ist. Gefällt mir eh alles nicht, aber nun. Erwähnte ich dass die neue Wohnung eigentlich alles ist was ich nicht will? Außer groß? Naja, es ist wie es ist. Wird schon werden. Umziehen wird noch sehr interessant, weil ich nun mal so gut wie niemanden hab der mir tagsüber helfen kann. Meine Studienfreundinnen sind alle weg, alle anderen müssen arbeiten. Aber wird schon werden. Muss ja werden alles. Hauptsache mit der Zwischenmiete klappt alles. Eh genervt grad. In ne chaotische Wohnung kommen, Berge von Abwasch, keine Kartusche, keine Milch, kein Brot. Bäh. Keinen Bock mehr auf nix, will Urlaub. Weg. Wegwegweg. Keine Lust mehr mich um irgendwas zu kümmern. BÄH!